For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

— Johnny Carson

For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

— Johnny Carson

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

— Johnny Carson

If it weren't for Phil T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

— Johnny Carson

If life was fair Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

— Johnny Carson

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

— Johnny Carson

I know a man who gave up smoking drinking sex and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.

— Johnny Carson

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

— Johnny Carson

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

— Johnny Carson

Just be yourself -- it's the only way it can work.

— Johnny Carson