I was never one to go up to someone as a five- or six-year-old and say, 'Hello, my name's Paul, will you be my friend?' But I found if I did an impression of the PE teacher or whatever and people laughed, then they did like me, and so then they started talking to me, rather than me making the initial overture and then maybe being rebuffed.

— Paul Merton

When I turned about 12 or 13, I realized that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them.

— Paul Merton

When I wake up on a Monday morning and I realize I don't have to go and work at the civil service, I really think I've won.

— Paul Merton