I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

— Stephen Colbert

I don't like the new president who hunts Muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a Muslim extremist.

— Stephen Colbert

If God wanted us to get high, he'd have created plants that became psychoactive when eaten or smoked.

— Stephen Colbert

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

— Stephen Colbert

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

— Stephen Colbert

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

— Stephen Colbert

If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also, hungry.

— Stephen Colbert

I hold a little fundraiser every day. It's called going to work.

— Stephen Colbert

I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.

— Stephen Colbert

I liked comedy as a kid. When I was a kid, I'd go to sleep to, like, Bill Cosby albums every night. I'd listen to 'Bill Cosby Is A Very Funny Fellow... Right!' and 'Wonderfulness,' which are two of his most famous albums. Then the next night, I'd flip them over, 'cause it was the old stackable turntable.

— Stephen Colbert