If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

— Steven Wright

If you don't fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working

— Josh Stern

If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months

— Josh Stern

If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you’re looking through binoculars the wrong way

— Josh Stern

If you take things the wrong way, be aware of which end is up

— Josh Stern

I hate when I'm not done with my cup, but my mom decides to put it in the dishwasher anyway and the cup isn't dishwasher safe. I keep telling my mom that my origami coffee mugs are hand wash ONLY. Handshakes are also hand wash only.-Karen Quan and Jarod Into

— Karen Quan

I hold the biscuits in front of his face and he stands up." What do I have to do?" he says." Nothing," I say. "They're for you."" Are they poisoned?" he says." No," I say." Eat one," he says. So I do." Probably the others are poisoned," he says. "Eat a fraction of each." I eat a corner off each biscuit. He looks at the reminders suspiciously, then sniffs them." I'm not sure if it's worth it," he says. "How I wish you'd never come. Perhaps you've left the poison off of just those corners." I begin to realize I'll doubt whatever information he gives me." Lick the entire biscuit," he says. "Then give them to me." So I lick each biscuit." Both sides," he says. I lick both sides of each biscuit. I give him the wet biscuits, and he cracks them open and sniffs them. Then he puts them in his pocket. "What do you want?" he says. "Now that you've failed to poison me to death.

— George Saunders

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know... I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

— Woody Allen

I, Larry View, do hereby confess To murdering Merry in her little dress. To strangling and raping and making a mess. To all of these charges the answer is yes.

— Rosalyn Drexler

I leave Sisyphus at the foot of the mountain! One always finds one's burden again. But Sisyphus teaches the higher fidelity that negates the gods and raises rocks. He too concludes that all is well. This universe henceforth without a master seems to him neither sterile nor futile. Each atom of that stone, each mineral flake of that night filled mountain, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man'heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy

— Albert Camus