Advice to explorers everywhere: if you would like to receive due credit for your discoveries, keep a detailed account of your journeys as Columbus did. On September 28, 1492, after four weeks at sea, he writes: Dear diary... I mean journal. Yes, dear journal. That's what I meant to say. Whew. Anyway, we have yet to discover America, and the crew has become increasingly rebellious. I have decided to turn back if we have not spotted it by Columbus Day. Will write again later if not killed by crew. P.S. Last night's buffet was fabulous, the ice sculptures magnificent.

— Cuthbert Soup

A red eight-sided sign always means: A) Stop. B) Go. C) Danger! Red octagons ahead!

— Cuthbert Soup

As the station wagon pulled back onto the highway, the sun was slowly sinking below the horizon like a leaky boat. Well, except for that fact that boats are not generally round, orange and on fire. Hmm. Come to think of it, in no way whatsoever did the sun, in this instance, resemble a leaky boat. My apologies. That was a dreadful attempt at simile. Please allow me to try again. As the station wagon pulled back onto the highway, the sun was slowly sinking below the horizon like a self-luminous, gaseous sphere composed mainly of of hydrogen and helium.

— Cuthbert Soup

Captain Libby looked at the door, clenched his teeth, and worked his face into a scowl so fierce you would think the door had insulted his mother - which, for the record, it had not.

— Cuthbert Soup

Gone are the days when the old country doctor would drive out to your house and amputate your infected leg for a basket of goose eggs and a rhubarb pie.

— Cuthbert Soup

He's getting away you idiots! Shoot him. I'm wearing Spider-Man underpants!

— Cuthbert Soup

I'll get it," said Rough in his man-of-the-house voice, a full octave lower than his regular voice.

— Cuthbert Soup

I'm one-half Cherokee, one-half Irish, one-half Turkish, one-half Australian and one-half Korean." "Excuse me, but that's five halves," said Maggie.

— Cuthbert Soup

I seem to be allergic to whatever that terrible smell is," said Gate man when the urge to sneeze had finally subsided." What terrible smell?"" The air," said Gate man. "It smells...different."" That's called oxygen," said Professor Bosley. "Free air. No cars, no buses, no factories; just pure, clean oxygen.

— Cuthbert Soup

I should mention, by the way, that LVR stands for Luminal Velocity Regulator. I suppose it could also stand for Large Venezuelan Rats, but in this case it does not.

— Cuthbert Soup