I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

— George Burns

Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.

— George Burns

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

— George Burns

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

— George Burns

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

— George Burns

There isn't a thing I can't do now that I didn't do when I was twenty-one...which gives you an idea of how pathetic I was when I was twenty-one. (That's a lie, but I might as well tell you something right here at the beginning of the book. Anytime I can get a laugh I'm not going to let the truth interfere with it.)

— George Burns

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and to have the two as close together as possible.

— George Burns

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

— George Burns

Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

— George Burns

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

— George Burns