Actually it was the mark of the stupid, which is what you get for sitting under a tree during a thunderstorm.

— Carl Hiaasen

As a lobbyist he had long ago concluded there was no difference in how Democrats and Republicans conducted the business of government. The game stayed the same: It was always about favors and friends, and who controlled the dough. Party labels were merely a way to keep track of the teams; issues were mostly smoke and vaudeville. Nobody believed in anything except hanging on to power, whatever it took. .....

— Carl Hiaasen

As far as I'm concerned, the gator that ate T.C. deserves a medal from Crime Stoppers.

— Carl Hiaasen

Dessert was an over baked chocolate chip cookies the size of a hockey puck and just about as tasty.

— Carl Hiaasen

From the bow of the canoe she asked, "Do you know a rain dance?"" First I need a virgin.

— Carl Hiaasen

Garcia wondered why people with JESUS stickers on their bumper always drove twenty miles per hour under the speed limit. If God was my co-pilot, he thought, I'd be doing a hundred and twenty.

— Carl Hiaasen

Good satire comes from anger. It comes from a sense of injustice, that there are wrongs in the world that need to be fixed. And what better place to get that well of venom and outrage boiling than a newsroom, because you're on the front lines.

— Carl Hiaasen

He paused and manufactured a chuckle.

— Carl Hiaasen

Here's my rule: You always want to pay cash for your own books, because if they look at the name on the credit card, and then they look at the name on the book jacket, then there's this look of such profound sympathy for you that you had to resort to this. It really is withering.

— Carl Hiaasen

Hey. Sometimes life is a shit flavored Popsicle.

— Carl Hiaasen