Artemis: "Right, brothers. Onward. Imagine yourself seated at a café in Montmartre." Myles: "In Paris." Artemis: "Yes, Paris. And try as you will, you cannot attract the waiter's attention. What do you do?" Beckett: "Umm...tell Butler to jump-jump-jump on his head?" Myles: "I agree with simpleton." Artemis: "No! You simply raise one finger and say clearly 'ICI, garçon.'" Beckett: "Itchy what?

— Eoin Colfer

Artemis: (shocked) Why, Doctor? This is a sensitive area. For all you know I could be suffering from depression. Doctor Po: I suppose you could. Is that the case? Artemis: (head in hands) It's my mother, Doctor. Doctor Po: Yes? Artemis: My mother, she... Doctor Po: Your mother, yes? Artemis: She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy when the school's so-called counselors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees.

— Eoin Colfer

Careful, Mr. Spiro, guns are dangerous. Especially the end with the hole.

— Eoin Colfer

Certain battles were won by retreating.

— Eoin Colfer

Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.

— Eoin Colfer

Conor, I could search the world for another swashbuckling scientist, but I doubt if I would find one like you.

— Eoin Colfer

... desperate times required judicious risk-taking.

— Eoin Colfer

Don't hate me forever, Arty," whispered Holly. "I couldn't bear that.

— Eoin Colfer

... even one centimeter can make an awful lot of difference when you don't have many to spare.

— Eoin Colfer

Evolution is a theory with more holes than a Dutch dam of Swiss cheese.

— Eoin Colfer