Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

— Dave Barry

Guys are simple... women are not simple, and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

— Dave Barry

Guys care about sports teams. I'm not talking about simply rooting; I'm talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team that guys take way more seriously than, for example, wedding vows.

— Dave Barry

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

— Dave Barry

He couldn't get into Harvard even if he had the dean's wife at gunpoint.

— Dave Barry

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

— Dave Barry

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

— Dave Barry

I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Corell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that 'the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is first ignited by the disposable butane lighter of physical attraction, but sooner or later the heat of familiarity causes the wax of boredom to drip all over the vanilla frosting of novelty and the shredded coconut of romance.' I could not have phrased it better myself.

— Dave Barry

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

— Dave Barry

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

— Dave Barry