A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you have to get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you have to get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.

— Roseanne Barr

And, you know, I liked writing humor. Well, I should say, I wanted to write seriously, but it kept turning funny.

— Roseanne Barr

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

— Roseanne Barr

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

— Roseanne Barr

I do Kabbalistic meditation. It's not unlike time travel it can change the past and not just the future. You can look at what was lost and go beyond the grief of what was lost.

— Roseanne Barr

I figure when my husband comes home from work, if the kids are still alive, then I've done my job.

— Roseanne Barr

I know that I pay 48 percent of my income to taxes. You know, I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't going just to export war. If it was actually going to help the people of the United States, I would gladly pay more.

— Roseanne Barr

I'm a farmer now, and it's fantastic. My goal is to be totally self-sufficient and grow everything that I eat. There's something about earning your dinner that's cool.

— Roseanne Barr

I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear.

— Roseanne Barr

I want to eat, cook, meet famous people and make fun of them.

— Roseanne Barr