Eighty percent of success is showing up.

— Woody Allen

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

— Woody Allen

Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

— Woody Allen

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

— Woody Allen

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

— Woody Allen

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

— Woody Allen

How to make God laugh. Tell him your future plans.

— Woody Allen

I am going to give my psychoanalyst one more year than I'm going to Lourdes.

— Woody Allen

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

— Woody Allen

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

— Woody Allen