Abby On Normal - And I'm like, "Don't change the subject, King PAO, what I want to know is if you're ready to spend some up-close and personal time with ninety pounds of barbarian woman-flesh! Sorry, I don't know how much that is in kilos.

— Christopher Moore

All killer whales are named Kevin. You knew that, right?

— Christopher Moore

And I'll have you know that if you hurt my son again, if he so much as sighs sadly over his coffee, I will hire a man, a Russian, probably, to hunt you down and rip all that shiny black hair from your head, then break your skinny arms and legs, and set you on fire, and then put you out with a hammer. And should there be children from your beastly rutting, I shall have the Russian man cut them to tiny pieces and feed them to Madame Jacob's dog. Because, although he may be only a worthless, simpleminded, libertine artist, Lucien is my favorite, and I will not have him hurt. Do you understand?

— Christopher Moore

And I was all, "Don't be gross, you Cretaceous fuck. You pull that thing out, and I'll pepper-spray you until you fry." (You have to be stern with weenie daggers--I've been exposed to on the bus over seventeen times, so I know.)

— Christopher Moore

Andrew Lloyd Webber's version of the Kool-Aid jingle is at once chilling and evocative. Donny Osmond is brilliant as James Jones.

— Christopher Moore

...and thus he found his single source of joy in the society of other people: frightening the girls with his penis.

— Christopher Moore

An original thought would crack your feeble skull like a thunderbolt, you craven vulture.

— Christopher Moore

Apologies, one loses perspective after spending a week in a brothel.

— Christopher Moore

A question asked in earnest, deserves an earnest answer.

— Christopher Moore

As a teacher of fourth-graders in a public school, where corporal punishment was not allowed, she had years of violence stored up and was, truth be told, sort of enjoying letting it out on Kona, who she felt could have been the poster child for the failure of public education.

— Christopher Moore