Everywhere I go, people ask me about Jennifer Aniston's wedding. Everywhere I go. I always say to her, I'm like, 'Being friends with you is a burden. You think it's hard to be friends with me?'

— Chelsea Handler

I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating.

— Chelsea Handler

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.

— Chelsea Handler

I don't like to overdose. Call me old-fashioned.

— Chelsea Handler

I do think about marriage, but it's not the end-all goal.

— Chelsea Handler

If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would've told him I was into cannibalism.

— Chelsea Handler

I had always dreamed of being a professional escort but never thought that there was any real money in it.

— Chelsea Handler

I had heard my brothers and sisters use curse words but had never dared use one myself in front of anyone. But I had practiced alone in my room lots of times, trying out different cadences and into nations: 'Fuck, fuck, fuck you, fuck nut. Shit, shit stain, fucker! Go fuck a duck, you as swipe!' My favorite was, 'What a fucking cocksucker.' The plan was to say this casually to one of my new friends while one of our teachers walked by. No one in kindergarten ever really got my sense of humor, so I was hell-bent on making my mark in the first grade.

— Chelsea Handler

I have always maintained a strong opposition to marriage because I would have to be in serious denial to pretend I wasn't born with a personality for divorce. Whatever the opposite of amicable is, that's how my breakups tend to play out.

— Chelsea Handler

I have a question. Is it okay to drink while you're pregnant...if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?

— Chelsea Handler