I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking.

— Chelsea Handler

I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

— Chelsea Handler

It was Valentine's Day and I had spent the day in bed with my life partner, Keel One. The two of us watched a romance movie marathon on TBS Superstation that made me wonder how people who write romantic comedies can sleep at night. At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall all-the-time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer. Then, within the two-hour time frame of the movie, the couple meet, fall in love, fall out of love, break up, and then just before the end of the movie, they happen to bump into each other by "coincidence" somewhere absolutely absurd, like by the river. This never happens in real life. The last time I bumped into an ex-boyfriend was at three o'clock in the morning at Rite Aid. I was ringing up Gas-X and corn removers.

— Chelsea Handler

I've always had a big personality. I was trickier as a kid. Furthermore, I behaved erratically instead of consistently. Furthermore, I would have tons of friends, and then I would have no friends. Furthermore, I'd be with the cool girls, then the uncool girls. Furthermore, I migrated from group to group because I was bored or people got bored with me. Furthermore, I was very intense.

— Chelsea Handler

I wanted to be famous. It's embarrassing to admit, but I came out to L.A. thinking it would happen in no time. I thought, 'Once they see me, they'll be so glad I came.' I always had a ridiculous amount of self-confidence about what was going to happen to me.

— Chelsea Handler

I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.

— Chelsea Handler

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

— Chelsea Handler

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

— Chelsea Handler

My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen.

— Chelsea Handler

My mother is European and expresses her love through food and cuddling. She wasn't the type of mother who would make it to school plays or soccer games, but if you wanted to stay at home sick, she was your girl. Whenever you'd go up to her room to cuddle with her, she'd pull out a Kit Kat or Snickers bar from her night table and look at you with dancing eyes.

— Chelsea Handler