That's my biggest struggle, is maintaining a personal romantic relationship. It takes a lot of effort.

— Chelsea Handler

The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn't get mad at a golden retriever.

— Chelsea Handler

The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.

— Chelsea Handler

There are many ways to get to know someone, and my favorite is seeing them naked in Happy Baby pose. I also feel it is important to have sex soon after meeting someone in order to find out if you have sexual chemistry together. Otherwise, you could wait two to three months after you start dating someone only to discover that your new boyfriend is bad in bed, or even worse, is into anal beads and duct tape.

— Chelsea Handler

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

— Chelsea Handler

This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed, but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.

— Chelsea Handler

We checked our bags and got online with some of our fellow passengers. Judging from the looks of them, it was clear that they were members of a different income bracket from the people I preferred to surround myself with. But since I also wasn't from the income bracket I preferred, I held off on voicing my initial feelings of despair.

— Chelsea Handler

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.

— Chelsea Handler

Why are babies allowed to cry when they wake up, but adults crying when they wake is frowned upon? Babies are permitted to act like assholes whenever they feel like it and no one blinks...

— Chelsea Handler

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

— Chelsea Handler