If everything is amplified, we hear nothing.

— Jon Stewart

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American -- our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

— Jon Stewart

If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.

— Jon Stewart

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you have no regime.

— Jon Stewart

I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.

— Jon Stewart

I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance

— Jon Stewart

I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.

— Jon Stewart

It's funny. When we were alive we spent much of our time staring up at the cosmos and wondering what was out there. We were obsessed with the moon and whether we could one day visit it. The day we finally walked on it was celebrated worldwide as perhaps man's greatest achievement. But it was while we were there, gathering rocks from the moon's desolate landscape, that we looked up and caught a glimpse of just how incredible our own planet was. Its singular astonishing beauty. We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.

— Jon Stewart

It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.

— Jon Stewart

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

— Jon Stewart