Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three? It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didn't turn it on.

— Erma Bombeck

Housework can kill you if done right.

— Erma Bombeck

Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of surprises.

— Erma Bombeck

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food

— Erma Bombeck

I am not a glutton-I am an explorer of food.

— Erma Bombeck

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

— Erma Bombeck

I come from a home where gravy is a beverage.

— Erma Bombeck

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

— Erma Bombeck

I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.

— Erma Bombeck

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

— Erma Bombeck