I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

— Erma Bombeck

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

— Erma Bombeck

In Russia, as I sat there day after day wearing headphones, listening to the interpreter struggle to make our words relevant, I wondered if we could establish meaningful rapport with a nation that had never seen raisins dance in dark glasses on TV...never had a garage sale.

— Erma Bombeck

I read one psychologist's theory that said "Never strike a child in your anger." When could I strike him? When he is kissing me on my birthday? When he's recuperating from measles? Do I slap the Bible out of his hand on Sunday?

— Erma Bombeck

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows

— Erma Bombeck

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

— Erma Bombeck

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

— Erma Bombeck

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

— Erma Bombeck

It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. Furthermore, we still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive.

— Erma Bombeck

I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

— Erma Bombeck