And this, this, is their genius. Conservatives are not looking to make education more rigorous and informative, or science more empirical or verifiable, or voting more representative, or the government more efficient or effective. They just want all those things to reinforce their partisan, ideological, conservative viewpoint.

— Jon Stewart

As heirs to a legacy more than two centuries old, it is understandable why present-day Americans would take their own democracy for granted. A president freely chosen from a wide-open field of two men every four years; a Congress with a 99% incumbency rate; a Supreme Court comprised of nine politically appointed judges whose only oversight is the icy scythe of Death -- all these reveal a system fully capable of maintaining itself. But our perfect democracy, which neither needs nor particularly wants voters, is a rarity. It is important to remember there still exist other forms of government in the world today, and that dozens of foreign countries still long for a democracy such as ours to be imposed on them.

— Jon Stewart

As our larynges descended, we were able to make sounds with our mouths in new and far more expressive ways. Verbal language soon overtook physical gesturing as the primary means of communication for all human beings except Italians. (Earth (The Book), p. 36)

— Jon Stewart

Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.

— Jon Stewart

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

— Jon Stewart

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've got to admit: a lot of people hate him.

— Jon Stewart

Free time is death to the anxious, and thank goodness I don't have any of it right now.

— Jon Stewart

Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.

— Jon Stewart

[Hearing] was distinct from listening, which could only be achieved when hearing was combined with giving a shit.

— Jon Stewart

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

— Jon Stewart