A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

— Erma Bombeck

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

— Erma Bombeck

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

— Erma Bombeck

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

— Erma Bombeck

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

— Erma Bombeck

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

— Erma Bombeck

But some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love why some days it's so quiet you don't even know it's there.

— Erma Bombeck

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.

— Erma Bombeck

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

— Erma Bombeck

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other.

— Erma Bombeck