I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.

— Joan Rivers

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't Marat through one door, I'll go through another door -- or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

— Joan Rivers

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

— Joan Rivers

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over he would have put diamonds on the floor.

— Joan Rivers

I said, "Is there!" I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math — if Johnny has ten fingers, and they cut off two, how many does he have left?

— Joan Rivers

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

— Joan Rivers

I take him to McDonald's just to watch him eat and see the numbers change.

— Joan Rivers

It gathers emotionally inside you, in a strange way a by-product of struggle, of a willingness to do anything, try anything, expose yourself to anything — staying in motion because sooner or later those ripples will cause change.

— Joan Rivers

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

— Joan Rivers

I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.

— Joan Rivers