It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.

— Joan Rivers

I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.

— Joan Rivers

Laughing made me feel safe. I was not going to be enveloped by the seediness that coated this world like dust.

— Joan Rivers

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

— Joan Rivers

Liked" was the kiss of death. "Loved" or "hated" interested him. At least the performer had aroused emotion.

— Joan Rivers

Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty.

— Joan Rivers

Maybe that is why in my comedy I try and puncture the hypocrisy all around us, why it is almost a crusade with me to strip life down to what really is true.

— Joan Rivers

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

— Joan Rivers

My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.

— Joan Rivers

Never floss with a stranger.

— Joan Rivers