How did you do that?” Mr. Poe asked. “Nice girls shouldn’t know how to do such things.”“My sister is a nice girl,” Klaus said, “and she knows how to do all sorts of things.

— Lemony Snicket

I am alone this evening, and I am alone because of a cruel twist of fate, a phrase which here means that nothing has happened the way I thought it would. Once I was a content man, with a comfortable home, a successful career, a person I loved very much, and an extremely reliable typewriter, but all of those things have been taken away from me, and now the only trace I have of those happy days is the tattoo on my left ankle. As I sit in this very tiny room, printing these words with a very large pencil, I feel as if my whole life has been nothing but a dismal play, presented just for someone else’s amusement, and that the playwright who invented my cruel twist of fate is somewhere far above me, laughing and laughing at his creation.

— Lemony Snicket

I am heartbroken, but I have been heartbroken before, and this might be the best for which I can hope.

— Lemony Snicket

I am so tired, I can hardly type these works.

— Lemony Snicket

I don't know why wicked places generally look wicked. You'd think they'd look nice, to fool people, but they hardly ever do.

— Lemony Snicket

If an optimist had his left arm chewed off by an alligator, he might say in a pleasant and hopeful voice, "Well this isn't too bad, I don't have a left arm anymore but at least nobody will ever ask me if I'm left-handed or right-handed," but most of us would say something more along the lines of, "AAAAA! My arm! My arm!

— Lemony Snicket

If only Uncle Monty knew what we know," Violet said, "and Stefano knew that he knew what we know. But Uncle Monty doesn't know what we know, and Stefano knows that he doesn't know what we know."" I know," Clause said." I know you know," Violet said

— Lemony Snicket

If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then atheist asdglaseuyt[in[pasdlgkhasdfasdf.

— Lemony Snicket

If you are a student you should always get a good nights sleep unless you have come to the good part of your book, and then you should stay up all night and let your schoolwork fall by the wayside, a phrase which means 'flunk'.

— Lemony Snicket

If you are going to hear the work of the world’s greatest composers, you will have to allow for a little murder here and there. […] Those who want justice can go to the police, but those who want something a little more interesting should go to the orchestra!

— Lemony Snicket