I always advise people never to give advice.

— P.G. Wodehouse

I am not always good and noble. I am the hero of this story, but I have my off moments.

— P.G. Wodehouse

I am strongly of the opinion that, after the age of twenty-one, a man ought not to be out of bed and awake at four in the morning. The hour breeds thought. At twenty-one, life being all future, it may be examined with impunity. But, at thirty, having become an uncomfortable mixture of future and past, it is a thing to be looked at only when the sun is high and the world full of warmth and optimism.

— P.G. Wodehouse

I couldn't have made a better shot, if I had been one of those detectives who see a chap walking along the street and deduce that he is a retired manufacturer of poppet valves named Robinson with rheumatism in one arm, living at Clapham.

— P.G. Wodehouse

I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being grunted.

— P.G. Wodehouse

I could still see that Pauline was one of the most beautiful girls I had ever met, but of the ancient fire which had caused me to bung my heart at her feet that night at the Plaza there remained not a trace. Analyzing this, if analyzing is the word I want, I came to the conclusion that this changed outlook was due to the fact that she was so dashed dynamic. Unquestionably an eyeful, Pauline Stoker had the grave defect of being one of those girls who want you to come and swim a mile before breakfast and rout you out when you are trying to snatch a wink of sleep after lunch for a merry five sets of tennis.

— P.G. Wodehouse

I don’t know if you have had the same experience, but the snag I always come up against when I’m telling a story is this dashed difficult problem of where to begin it.

— P.G. Wodehouse

I felt most awfully braced. I felt as if the clouds had rolled away and all was as it used to be. Furthermore, I felt like one of those chappies in the novels who call off the fight with his wife in the last chapter and decides to forget and forgive. Furthermore, I felt I wanted to do all sorts of other things to show Jeeves that I appreciated him.

— P.G. Wodehouse

If girls realized their responsibilities they would be so careful when they smiled that they would probably abandon the practice altogether. There are moments in a man's life when a girl's smile can have as important results as an explosion of dynamite.

— P.G. Wodehouse

I flung open the door. I got a momentary flash of about a hundred and fifteen cats of all sizes and colors scrapping in the middle of the room, and then they all shot past me with a rush and out of the front door; and all that was left of the obscene was the head of a whacking big fish, lying on the carpet and staring up at me in a rather austere sort of way, as if it wanted a written explanation and apology.

— P.G. Wodehouse