If there is one thing I dislike, it is the man who tries to air his grievances when I wish to air mine.

— P.G. Wodehouse

If you don't want me to attend the patient I'll go.'' But she can't see a doctor now.'' Why not?'' She isn't well.

— P.G. Wodehouse

I had one of those ideas I do sometimes get, though admittedly a chump of the premier class.

— P.G. Wodehouse

I have been studying the principles of socialism deeply of late, and I came to the conclusion that I must join the cause. It looked good to me. You work for the equal distribution of property and start in by swiping all you can and sitting on it. Ah, noble scheme! Me for it!

— P.G. Wodehouse

I just sit at my typewriter and curse a bit.

— P.G. Wodehouse

I know I was writing stories when I was five. I don’t remember what I did before that. Just loafed, I suppose.

— P.G. Wodehouse

I'm bound to say that New York's a topping place to be exiled in. Everybody was awfully good to me, and there seemed to be plenty of things going on, and I'm a wealthy bird, so everything was fine.

— P.G. Wodehouse

I mean, if you're asking a fellow to come out of a room so that you can dismember him with a carving knife, it's absurd to tack a 'sir' on to every sentence. The two things don't go together.

— P.G. Wodehouse

I mean to say, I know perfectly well that I've got, roughly speaking, half the amount of brain a normal bloke ought to possess. And when a girl comes along who has about twice the regular allowance, she too often makes a beeline for me with the love light in her eyes. I don't know how to account for it, but it is so."" It may be Nature's provision for maintaining the balance of the species, sir.

— P.G. Wodehouse

I'm not absolutely certain of my facts, but I rather fancy it's Shakespeare -- or, if not, it's some equally brainy lad -- who says that it's always just when a crappie is feeling particularly top-hole, and more than usually braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with a bit of lead piping.

— P.G. Wodehouse