Bauvard

Treat each other like human beings? But the other great apes have no class hierarchy.

— Bauvard

Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses.

— Bauvard

Welcome to Telepathic Anonymous. Don’t bother introducing yourself.

— Bauvard

We live in one of the few epochs of humanity where life isn't just a painful cycle of toil, fatigue, and collapse. Now pleasure gyrates us through those stages.

— Bauvard

We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do,’ but I have yet to witness a single séance.

— Bauvard

We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.

— Bauvard

When nobody practices what they strongly believe in, that day will be a triumph of prudence.

— Bauvard

When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations.

— Bauvard

Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.

— Bauvard

Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.

— Bauvard